War stories

You've heard the war stories. The parent anecdotes of raising toddlers. Parents "turn their heads for a second" and anarchy and mayhem take over. Something gets destroyed or someone gets embarrassed. Cats are covered with petroleum jelly, sharpie markers on the wall and red paint ends up on 9 walls that were not supposed to be red (stories courtesy of Teal, Warren and Bob, respectively).

These stories of raising toddlers represent a very, very small portion of parenting... and yet these stories are retold and make their way into parenting lore. They are the stories that frighten young couples into just taking a "little more time" to themselves before starting their families.

The sad part is... most of the stories are the parent's fault. I mean... you can see the ending coming. These stories are really the "ball to the crotch funniest home videos" of parenting. I mean... what do you THINK is going to happen when you leave a kid in a room with box of 20 washable crayons and 1 non-washable RED crayon?

This is what happens:


I mean - you might as well set up a tee-ball and and have a father stand a foot away from getting a take-down shot to the shorts. Video tape it, send it in and get your money. OF COURSE the guy gets it in the balls. OF COURSE I have red crayon all over my carpet, tile and coffee table.
COME ON!

By the way, you get red crayon off of wood furniture by using mayonnaise. Getting mayonnaise off of furniture is only the 2nd problem...

The next day, I found my shoes full of cat food. I'm not pointing any fingers, but I'm pretty sure I made the person who did it. I'm equally as sure that I'll tell this story to the next newlywed couple that crosses my path. Watch out, young couples... I'm saving these gems for you.